Home > history, Reflections, Safety > I will only hear “no” when I want to

I will only hear “no” when I want to

“Rape is not about sex,”
instructors explained.
“It’s about power. It’s
about taking power.”

Taking power:
this violence
expresses
itself
many
ways.

(If you will not
give me it, I
will seize it
from you.)

Bob: I need (to have sex with you/you to vote like me).

Ann: No, thanks. I know what I want, and it’s not that.

Bob: I told you what you have to do. Now do it. I need it.

Ann: No. No.

Bob: You won’t give it up? Fine, bitch. I’ll take it from you … because I’m bigger. And I can.

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  1. July 25, 2016 at 4:42 pm

    Sigh.
    And it is your fault I have to use violence. If you had just given me what I want/need I wouldn’t have to hurt you.
    Hiss and spit.

  2. July 25, 2016 at 5:00 pm

    And of course it’s not Bob’s fault because she made him do it. She triggered him to do it… Sickening…

    • July 25, 2016 at 5:02 pm

      “Sickening” is right.

      Every single time, that same story.

      • July 25, 2016 at 9:22 pm

        You would think at one point we all should learn and act differently…

  3. July 25, 2016 at 6:58 pm

    What about all those times when she gives it to him so he WON’T make her do it, so it WON’T be rape? :/

    • July 25, 2016 at 7:14 pm

      Whether or not the words “rape” or “force” are used, there is violent coercion present if threats are made implicitly or explicitly.

      Doing something terrible to avoid possibly worse consequence is not the same thing as “choice” borne of free will. The brute who creates that illusion of choice is no less a brute than one who did not. The sad thing is how common this brutality in private and public, and how hard it is for so many to identify because of how gentle a facade it can take–to bystander eyes–in any given moment.

      (I touched on one kind of not-actually-choice here.)

  4. July 26, 2016 at 2:41 am

    Why is it so many men think like that ~ and think it’s acceptable?

    • July 26, 2016 at 5:01 am

      I think they have learned it, as–sadly–have many women, who employ the same tactics, favoring their personal victory over hearing and respecting others. The Stanford rape sentencing fallout illuminated the extent of this to me; seeing, during a presidential election cycle, sex assault as only one expression of that violence has been profoundly uncomfortable but also illuminating in ways that will make me stronger after the discomfort passes. OTOH, exposure to this enhances my appreciation for men and women who don’t engage in these kinds of attempts to seize power. That’s love.

  5. July 28, 2016 at 10:01 am

    This hurts to read.
    This hurts to know.

  6. July 29, 2016 at 1:48 pm

    I’ve been watching some older TV shows lately (namely Frasier), and it has amazed and disgusted me at how that whole “ply her with alcohol to turn no into yes” was considered humor.

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