A few days ago, my friend Ra wrote “you choose your choices.”

It’s the kind of thing I read and realize I have too many words no words only one word for: thud.

When I first read about how Ra and her husband used the word, I thought something like, “I appreciate the loving use of this word-like object, but it is not a real word and it will never escape my lips or fingertips!”

(Really, though, it wasn’t too silly and small. It was too big and too raw, this single syllable capable of saying so much. Also, I ended up using it no more than four minutes later. Some resolve!)

I do think we choose our choices. I also think that we can’t understand all consequences of our choices when we make them, and that sometimes the choices we have are so spectacularly crappy they only barely constitute choices at all.

And I think of Ra, But I trust you! You’re one of a handful of people with whom I’d entrust those two little tornadoes most precious to me!  

auntie ra

Auntie Ra & Tykenado Numero Uno

And I think, The whole world is inside of you and ahead of you! With your loving strength you will shape it.

And I think, The whole point of “thud” is that these little thoughts and scant comforts
are extraordinarily small compared to the love and dreams and aches
encompassed by that misleadingly small word.

If you don’t yet know “thud,” I suggest you acquaint yourself via the link above.*

For all I vowed–for a matter of seconds–that I’d never use it, I expect to use it liberally henceforth.

(Besides, it’s a much better word, all around, than “henceforth.”)

* I also recommend you acquaint yourself with this lovely post,
featuring sweet words for kids as well as bits from my tiny tornadoes.

Categories: Friends, Love, Reflections Tags: , , , ,
  1. April 8, 2016 at 5:50 pm

    Off to read the post and leave this book recommendation as I go. Not because it’s really relevant, but because it’s a good’un by Terry Pratchett. 🙂 (

    • April 9, 2016 at 4:40 am

      🙂 I’ll try and remember to give it a look sometime! (For the foreseeable future, most my reading will be on obtaining better balance between my sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems, aka “kicking anxiety in the nads.”)

  2. April 8, 2016 at 6:03 pm

    Ok! I read every recommended post, followed Ra, and managed to read all of yours without having to stop because of this or that.
    I don’t know quite why yet…but I think this is my new favorite post by you. There is just so much love here…..wait for it….

    • April 9, 2016 at 4:45 am

      I felt that persistent baseline anxiety yesterday afternoon … until a short comment exchange with Ra left me smiling, and I remembered I’d meant to write a post like this. I’m glad I didn’t write it immediately, because writing it felt soooo good. It reminded me how I used to write these lighthearted posts all the time, and made me feel hopeful there’s more of that (and more smiles and laughter and breathing easy all around) in the near future. It feels good to step out of feeling So Very Serious for a moment … all, here, ’cause of a few words on confetti hearts. 🙂 ♡

      • April 9, 2016 at 5:04 am

        Feeling hope is such a healing thing isn’t it! I’m so glad you found that. I had noticed you were missing something within yourself lately, but then thought maybe because of who I am at the moment it was just me. Your little bits of heaven are so revealing in this post and it made ME feel good reading it!

        • April 9, 2016 at 7:01 am

          I had noticed you were missing something within yourself lately

          This isn’t quite right, though I can see why it might look that way from the outside!

          I’m really glad you wrote this. I reflected on your words while I washed dishes, realizing that the best way to express the real problem was with … stick figures. I just drew those out for posting later. And you know what? The fact I thought about it in stick figures shows how much better I’m feeling.

          To be clear, I’m not talking about a timeframe of “since I gave up coffee five weeks ago.” It’s a much, much longer timeframe, and I needed these highly uncomfortable weeks without my hardhat (coffee; it should make sense later!) to understand and to begin to repair what was really and more deeply wrong.

          What you’ve witnessed has been byproduct of healing, not itself the problem or a sign thereof. 🙂

          • April 9, 2016 at 12:56 pm

            I’m not glad I wrote it lol! I feel bad! But I do understand. Healing comes in many ways to our heart and mind. Your writing is always the kind that I learn from, and more often than not I relate to it and feel it so very much. You’ve been more of a help to me than I could ever express…in words.💜

  3. April 8, 2016 at 7:28 pm

    Delightful! All of it. 🙂

  4. April 8, 2016 at 8:53 pm


  5. April 9, 2016 at 4:13 am

    I know why! As I sat awake in bed this morning, very early, I was pondering on all I had read in this post/the posts within this post. It was the most lovely snapshot of your life, your lessons, your love, you. It’s need for few words, but the joys found within the words you’ve chosen to share. The thud. The things. The who. Your all. Definitely. Thud.

  6. April 11, 2016 at 6:22 pm

    Some, it is heartbreaking thus the sound of a heart that continues through that broken. Other, it is uplifting thus the sound of a a heart as it heals.

    Thud, yes I think I get that.

  7. April 12, 2016 at 7:11 pm

    I love the picture. David in Dave’s jacket. <3. I love the words, the non words, the no words, and the hugs when I see you that day you've thought them all. We need to plan a coffee date. 🙂

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