Home > Love, Personal > Warmth

Warmth

I was never, ever going to get married. If you’ve read my blog for years or came to it via my “Dear Mom” post, you know this about me.

In my post “Just Married,” I described getting married as being

like releasing a bike’s brakes near the top of a hill after trundling along at a crawl. It’s scary to let go, but liberating at the same time: I am bigger than my fear! Take thaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat! YEAH!

Partnership doesn’t come as naturally to me as it does to my husband, Anthony. Sometimes it still feels weird and scary and ill-fitting. Other times, I’m overwhelmed by the sweetness in seemingly small moments and think how glad I am to be learning.

There’s usually at least one kid in my bed all hours of the day and night.

Tonight, my husband and I have the bed to ourselves for the first time in … oh, weeks!

As I sniffled and snickered my way through the YA novel The Porcupine of Truth, I smiled at the weight of my sleeping husband’s hand on my hip. When he drifted further into sleep, his hand fell off my hip and back onto the bed. Mrpfh, he mumbled as he placed his hand back on my hip. Where it belongs.

This he did over and over until I finally poked him half-awake. “Hon?”

“Yeah?” he murmured groggily.

“You keep on rousing yourself to put your hand on my hip. It’s the sweetest thing. Do you mind if I write about it?”

“Go ah–” he got out before resuming his deep sleep-breathing.

When I rose to write this post, Anthony patted the warm spot where I’d been and made a soft, sad murmur.

“I’ll be right back, hon,” I promised, smiling all the way to my desk chair, where I now sit in darkness, sweet darkness, thinking how grand it is to have so, so very much to learn, and to be able to learn it guided by such tenderly moved hands.

The opening of my vows: Glad to finally be getting it

The opening of my vows: Getting it more and more with each passing day

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  1. March 8, 2016 at 1:37 am

    So extremely sweet 🙂

  2. March 8, 2016 at 1:56 am

    This is so heartwarming 🙂

    • March 8, 2016 at 12:18 pm

      Even feeling so tired after another round of insomnia, I feel so light of heart today recalling this. 🙂

      • March 8, 2016 at 12:19 pm

        Awww, I hope you always have heartwarming things like these to reflect back on. They really are the best.

  3. March 8, 2016 at 2:40 am

    The essence and the reality of love’s fluid bond floats through your words. Beautiful!

    • March 8, 2016 at 12:19 pm

      Thank you! I am trying, bit by bit, to write more about what happens outside of me and a little less about all the thoughts racing through my brain. :p

  4. March 8, 2016 at 4:25 am

    Very nice but I still will never get married. 😀

  5. March 8, 2016 at 5:28 am

    Wonderfully expressed, Deborah. My mother was married four times, so marriage (rather, divorce) was a naughty word to me (couldn’t get divorced iffin’ you were never married) growing up. Thank goodness I faced my fear. With seven amazing kidlens and 23 years of marriage under my belt, I wouldn’t trade a thing.

    • March 8, 2016 at 12:22 pm

      You say it so clearly and beautifully! Never marry, never know the pain of abuse, neglect, and attempted domination! It took me a few years, but I finally got an inkling that my childhood model of marriage was unlikely to have much to do with marriage to Anthony specifically. It’s a whole new set of challenges, in some ways, but also whole new sets of joyous, affirming commitments! I’m glad I took off those brakes. 🙂

  6. March 8, 2016 at 6:03 am

    Ah, love. She is so grand a thing.
    You two make me smile!

  7. March 8, 2016 at 6:04 am

    Awwww!

  8. March 8, 2016 at 7:44 am

    This is such a sweet post Deborah, and was much needed to dispel the clouds hanging over my heart.. I love your blog, thank you for sharing your wisdom, your emotions, and your vulnerabilities, and for being so authentic.

    • March 8, 2016 at 12:27 pm

      Thank you so much for the kind words.

      I hope those clouds stay far, far away today, and for many days to come.

  9. March 8, 2016 at 8:01 am

    That is so sweet! I am so glad you found each other. 🙂

    • March 8, 2016 at 12:28 pm

      Thank you! I got to thinking about it earlier and realized it’s almost been twelve years since we met. Where did the time go?!

  10. March 8, 2016 at 8:04 am

    Love is best when its shared 💜 even with a bed o’ kiddos. Beautiful post love.

    • March 8, 2016 at 12:41 pm

      I love waking up snuggled with kiddos, but it sure is sweet when I get to snuggle with my husband, too. 🙂

  11. March 8, 2016 at 9:51 am

    Precious, and huzzah for bedsharing! We slept with our daughter for the first eight months or so, then I had too much trouble sleeping and kept getting sick. I hope we do it again soon, though! We miss her!

    • March 8, 2016 at 12:44 pm

      The boys’ room is so tiny that we read D to sleep in our bedroom so as to not awaken J. We move him back to his bedroom, but he always seems to wind up back in our room. It’s not strictly intentional bedsharing that way, but the truth is I cherish it. I hope D will someday remember those snuggles warmly. ♡

      • March 8, 2016 at 1:39 pm

        Oh yeah! I was dead against bed sharing, but I loved having her little self next to me! (It made it SOO much easier to nurse, too!) I hope that, when she gets bigger and a “big girl” bed, she’ll come over and have a slumber party with us. 🙂

  12. March 8, 2016 at 10:39 am

    Awww.
    Something to hug to yourself on dark days and dark nights. Truly lovely. And a perfect depiction of love.

  13. March 8, 2016 at 12:44 pm

    I don’t think that marriage is necessarily the only way to commit to a relationship but it certainly is one of them. I am glad you are finding the experience pleasurable and educating.

    • March 8, 2016 at 3:05 pm

      Rather than replying to my vignette regarding my positive feelings about my marriage, your comment seems to address the merits of the institution of marriage in general. I feel, reading it, as if you’re possibly continuing a debate with some unknown third party by comment on my blog. It feels like you have me confused with someone else or perhaps many other such people.

      If someone tells me they got divorced, I don’t think the person’s an avid divorce fan. I assume their personal circumstances led them to choose that because it was the better choice for them. Similarly, the fact someone chooses to marry–after careful consideration along one particular, surprising-to-them pathway–doesn’t mean they’re suddenly brainwashed members of a cult of marriage who frown upon any and all who choose different paths. The same goes for the choice to change one’s name. As I wrote in that related post:

      I would not make this decision for anyone else. I could not dream of believing my life circumstances or personal assessments should dictate anyone else’s choice.

      It’s thus I’m puzzled by the apparent supposition that my making positive statements about my own marriage in light of my earlier expectations regarding marriage could be somehow construed as a statement that “marriage is necessarily the only way to commit to a relationship.”

      • March 10, 2016 at 12:05 pm

        I’m sorry if my comment upset you, it certainly was not my intention. Please feel free to remove it. Having read it back myself, I can see what the problem is and it has not come out as I suspect I intended it to. I am very sorry and will refrain from commenting without making sure my brain is in full gear next time.

        • March 11, 2016 at 7:08 pm

          It didn’t upset me! It made me curious because I felt like we were engaged in two separate conversations, so I was trying to figure out where you were coming from.

          I welcome you to comment here whenever you want and however you’re feeling! Comments aren’t and shouldn’t be perfect. They’re little bits of reaching out and back to remind each other we’re not alone, and I enjoy yours.

          The only comments I don’t enjoy are ones that don’t see the light of day here: sexist, racist, and/or similarly hateful, ignorant comments. (Some are kindly phrased but barely conceal the hateful ignorance beneath, and those still don’t make it here.) There’s enough of that on the internet without having to give it space here, too!

          Apart from that, I’m glad for the reminder I’m part of a community, and for the food for thought. Thank you, and happy weekend.

  14. March 8, 2016 at 1:25 pm

    Love this post. Marriage can be delightful. Small moments confirm the rightness of big commitments.

    • March 8, 2016 at 3:06 pm

      Exactly! You say it so succinctly, yet so well. That’s exactly what I experienced last night: gladness for the choice I did make.

  15. March 8, 2016 at 7:52 pm

    🙂

  16. March 10, 2016 at 6:39 am

    I think I have much to learn. My heart is warmed, my spirit trying desperately to get my attention, screaming “see, see dang you are hardheaded see it can be done!”

    • March 13, 2016 at 7:56 am

      Oh, how I relate to this, and smiled reading it!
      Yes, it can be done, and it is lovelier than it is (sometimes) strange. ♥

  17. March 10, 2016 at 3:13 pm

    Such a sweet post ❤ (If this were me, I'd be telling Sam to get himself back on his small side of the bed where he belongs 😉 )

    • March 13, 2016 at 7:57 am

      Hee. Anthony always asks me why I perch so near the edge of the bed. At this point, I think it’s because I’m so used to awakening with Li’l D between us that that’s where there’s any room left! It’s kinda a wonder we weren’t on opposite sides the night I wrote this. 🙂

  18. March 16, 2016 at 3:08 pm

    Lovely post x

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