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music and love

times past
bled together yesterday
at the skilled
coaxing
of music

i was 14 years ago,
sweeping my mom’s room
while listening to
sarah mclachlan’s
“i will remember you”
over and over and over again
so i could remember it
and sing it well
for my silver star
at my last karaoke night with her,
my last night in oregon
before moving to los angeles
on a greyhound bus

i was eight years ago
arriving home to discover
for myself what burglars
had carried away from me
while i worked:
not my credit cards,
nor my checkbooks,
but my computers–
with all my partially
completed
novels
and
japan
pictures,
as well as almost
every CD i owned,
including mirrorball.
I was bereft,
more greatly for
lost sense of safety
in my room
than for music

IMG_20150917_163547

i was last weekend
taking my toddler
on a walk and
rejoicing quiety
as he turned down
a path i’d once walked daily,
playing with the knob
of a door that used to
lead me to
my then-home;
it was in that exact spot
my now-husband
first told me he
“really, really liked” me

IMG_20150917_163505

i was grinning, shuffling
from that doorway to
the door of a nearby
music store,
where i chased after
my toddler and a cd
i’ve been missing lately.
i left with mirrorball
and another cd
i didn’t even realize
i’d missed

i was decades ago
singing along to
that other cd,
my mom’s favorite
tracy chapman album
(including “fast car”)
with her,
in our living room,
wondering what
it would be like
to drive in a fast car,
not, always,
another barely moving
relic

IMG_20150917_163634

i was yesterday
listening to tracy
as i made my way
toward my favorite dinosaur
driving my fast-enough car
and beaming
as i thought
how sweet
full circle
can be

i was
heart-caught-in-my-throat
ecstatic
to walk into the bar
(not like that)
and hear a musician
strumming his guitar
while singing “fast car”

“hi, mom,”
i murmured
to the sky,
the ocean,
everything,
thinking:

everything was then.
everything is now,
everything is forever–
most especially
music, and
love

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  1. September 17, 2015 at 5:02 pm

    So pretty. The thought of full circle. The idea that we are raising ourselves and somewhat immortal because of it for better or for worse.

  2. September 17, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    This is lovely. And I love the song ‘Fast Cars.’ Conjures so many emotions.

    • September 17, 2015 at 10:33 pm

      I love it so much more now! I appreciated the CD’s music for the connection then, but now … I appreciate it so much more deeply. The last couple weeks have been a great reminder why I was so excited to find my first gray hair about a second ago: the onset of wisdom! Heh.

  3. September 17, 2015 at 6:58 pm

    Tracy and Fast Cars, the entire stream of music of that CD use to play over and over in my car, that one use to hit a bone in my heart and soften it, a little.

    I love you wrote this, remembered and went full circle.

    • September 17, 2015 at 10:41 pm

      The fact I’d turned off the car, turned off that song and then walked 100 yards to keep hearing it … oh! The wonder! Ra had tagged me in someone else’s pic on IG an hour earlier with a note the pic was a sign, so that I texted her a couple of times amplifying that sentiment after hearing “fast cars” live there.

      (I told A a few days ago that I felt like I was coming into an especially hippie phase of my life. Based on his look, I reminded him our vows did involve “for better or worse.” He said, “I just consider that ‘the worse!'” Hee.)

  4. September 17, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    What a beautiful and poignant 360 you have made. Tracy…well, you can never go wrong there. I listened to “Give me one reason” four times yesterday.

    • September 17, 2015 at 10:43 pm

      I considered buying that CD last weekend! I wish I had. But, you know, revisiting the neighborhood sounds like a good thing to me right now …

  5. September 17, 2015 at 11:28 pm

    I love sweet moments like these and you write about it well. Sidenote…my husband gave himself a tattoo when he was 14 that says “music & love”.

  6. September 18, 2015 at 1:29 am

    🙂 Love Tracy Chapman 🙂
    And losing all your pictures and words must have been absolutely terrible – I can’t think of many worse things to have stolen 😦

    • September 18, 2015 at 4:56 am

      I’d just written the first few chapters of a mystery; I’d reread the preface a few times and found it possibly the best thing I’d written.

      And Japan! For a year and a half living there, I had a few hundred small images to show. Still, I was very glad to have those images, which I’d uploaded on a now-defunct site. There were a handful of larger images from email, too.

      What stung the most at the time was how quickly we pointed the police to the culprits, who’d sold some of my roommate’s unique video games to a pawn shop that immediately posted them on eBay. The police took weeks all the time and said they wanted everything to be rock solid before they went in. They advised me to write off everything I’d lost as definitively gone, which was harder knowing it might have been regained.

      • September 18, 2015 at 5:59 am

        Fabulous. I will remember you. Omg such a wonderful song. Played it none stop myself. That was the one thing that my mom would complain about when I was younger. If there was a particular song I loved I kept playing it over and over again. Thanks for sharing. Beautiful story.

        • September 18, 2015 at 3:16 pm

          I used to complain about my mom playing songs over and over! Usually it wasn’t so bad, but there were a few songs that drove me nuts.

          Now? Now, of course, I find there are songs I have to play over and over and over on a given day, because they are just so very where I’m at. I can’t think of an example right now, but this happens at least once a month.

      • September 19, 2015 at 2:37 am

        Argh!!! It gets worse! I can pretty much understand the police not wanting to arrest someone innocent by mistake and so double checking, but that kind of lead is pretty obvious and taking so long that they have time to get rid of everything (or get away) is awful. But good that you at least have the few pictures from the site. Maybe the cloud has advantages after all…

        I think I will have to go and make a back up of my stuff now!

  7. September 18, 2015 at 10:47 am

    Beautiful. So much lost. And so much more created.

  8. cardamone5
    September 20, 2015 at 7:34 am

    I love moments like that, when you are shown, tangibly, that loved ones are watching and loving.

    Fondly,
    Elizabeth

    • September 20, 2015 at 7:00 pm

      Me, too … I wonder how many I’ve missed? I’ll not miss them any longer, if I can help it. ♥

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