Home > Death, Family, Friends > Rara sends her love

Rara sends her love

Does it look like we're miserable?

With Rara in orange and Dave in the middle

I met Rara and her husband, Dave, a week before my second son was born.

Rara went to prison a couple of weeks later. Innocence doesn’t pay attorney fees.

She’s still in prison.

She was there when Dave posted that he had an infection a few weeks ago.

She was there when he died soon after.

Today, my husband, sons and I drove to Dave’s memorial.

My five-year-old, Li’l D, couldn’t understand how Rara had ended up in prison.

My husband and I answered Li’l D’s many questions until my husband finally said, “Some bad guys fight with swords. Other bad guys fight with paper. She met the kind who fights with paper.”

“Oh,” said Li’l D. “Maybe she just had to tell the judge one more time.”

“I wish it were that easy,” I said.

Rara was released from prison long enough to attend Dave’s memorial today.

I held my fidgeting toddler through the memorial. I watched Rara’s shoulders shake and wished mightily I could do anything to make the terrible situation less terrible.

Littler J wasn’t even born when I met Rara.

Today, she held him. She made him laugh. She made me laugh.

She doesn’t know who she’ll be when she gets out of prison in a couple of months. She’ll step out into this Dave-less world and have to build her new life from ground zero.

I believe that someday, not now or even close to now, the fire that shines from within her will warm her as it warms others.

But that is someday. For today, today is enough to deal with. So I said nothing, and thought instead,

From the outside, you will be the same beautiful person you were before,

and are now, even in prison blues.

Rara sends you her love.

I send to Matt my thanks for (among other things) his keeping Rara connected to us,

and to the universe my hopes that Rara finds enough support in this new world to someday love what’s ahead,

though it will never match what’s behind.

Two of my guys and Matt. There's still so much good.

Two of my guys and Matt. There’s still so much good.


  1. Deb
    May 23, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    Thanks for this post. I know bits and pieces of this god awful story and I’m glad that R could be there today. Surely little consolation, but a small spot of hope perhaps.

    • May 23, 2015 at 3:07 pm

      I couldn’t begin to express anything I wanted to say, but neither could I move away. A small part of me wants a year to dedicate to nut-punching this bad-guy-of-paper. Most of me, though, wants to focus what extra energy she has on building hope for a better tomorrow … for Rara, and all around. ♥

  2. May 23, 2015 at 4:58 pm

    So disheartened by his death and to say I am grateful she was able to be at the memorial service says very little. I don’t know the circumstances, and I don’t need to know them. I am glad she was at least able to say goodbye, but I feel for him not having her close when he had the infection.

    • May 23, 2015 at 8:17 pm

      I am so glad she was able to attend, and that the officer who escorted her was so very human. (I can’t even begin to express my thanks for that.) But, oh … how I wish Rara had been free to be there. I know better than to spend too much wishing and I won’t linger there long, if I can help it … but for right now, it’s where I am.

  3. May 23, 2015 at 5:06 pm

    So beautiful and heartbreaking to read. I don’t know the story of your friend, but it sounds as if there are some questions surrounding her incarceration. For that, I’m sorry. I hope the system was not unjust and if it were, I’m hoping it can be resolved soon. I’m sad to read about your friend’s passing and that Rara wasn’t able to see him 1 more time before his death. I’m so sad for her, and for you. 😦

    I’m sending hugs. Keep being that good friend you are- you are special and I’m glad our paths have crossed.


    • May 23, 2015 at 8:21 pm

      My own early experiences with the (in)justice system led me to be dubious about its results in many to nearly all cases. This is one example of how and why. While there was more fighting that could have been done, it would have been costly and time-consuming … potentially years and years lost over simply serving a sentence and calling it done.

      I’m a new Rara friend, and a remorseful one for having kept such a huge gap between intention and action during Rara’s incarceration, but I will do better ahead.

      I, too, am glad that your path and mine have crossed. ♥

  4. May 23, 2015 at 5:51 pm

    Reblogged this on The Matticus Kingdom.

    • May 23, 2015 at 8:25 pm

      Thank you. I mean that for everything. I was just talking to Anthony about how to express my feelings about not being a great friend in comments without it sounding like false modesty. Anthony suggested, “I’m just a friend. Matt is an exceptional friend.” That’s the truth.

      • May 23, 2015 at 9:45 pm

        Thank you for the kind words. That’s all I’ve got for the moment…

  5. May 23, 2015 at 5:56 pm

    Sending my love to all of you and Rara. ❤

  6. Paul
    May 23, 2015 at 6:09 pm

    My love to Rara.Thank you guys very much for keeping us informed.

    • May 23, 2015 at 8:27 pm

      I’ll pass this on in my next (and only second, gah) letter to her.

      I’m fortunate my husband knows I’ve gotta let the words out; I typed this all on my phone as we drove back home. Not perfect, but cathartic all the same …

  7. May 23, 2015 at 6:10 pm

    Thank you for posting and it was great meeting you today! Here’s a link to my post about the day: http://starvingactivist.com/blog/2015/05/23/todays-memorial-service/

    • May 23, 2015 at 8:31 pm

      It was great to meet you as well! I’m glad you spoke for the online community, and that I happened to be standing nearby to hear what that meant to Dave’s dad. It made me kinda wish I’d said something, but then … you said it well.

      • May 24, 2015 at 11:01 am

        Thanks, Deborah! I hadn’t planned to but felt compelled. There are many of us who could not be there but who have tried to stand by Dave and Rara through this period as best as distance allows. I wanted her to know publicly that we care. Thanks to you and DJ for having my back!

  8. May 23, 2015 at 6:26 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story and Rara’s story. You are a good friend.

    • May 23, 2015 at 8:33 pm

      I’m a friend, but Matt? He’s a great friend … and, I daresay, an inspiration.

      I wish I could find just the words to explain how and why. Maybe in time? It’s a gift just to bear witness.

  9. May 23, 2015 at 6:43 pm

    Reblogged this on The Seeker's Dungeon and commented:
    Thank you for sharing this Rara news, she is always weighing heavy in our thoughts. Our prayers are with her as we all mourn Dave’s untimely death.

    • May 23, 2015 at 8:36 pm

      Thank you. It was so good to see her today, but … oh, that heaviness you mention. To feel it and know it’s a fraction of what she’s experiencing just fills me with the wishing I could relieve any of that.

  10. May 23, 2015 at 7:17 pm

    Thank you for posting this. It is all so sad. I’m going to reblog this so others can see it as well.

    • May 23, 2015 at 8:39 pm

      It makes so little sense. That’s where it was so hard answering my son’s questions. Usually I can make it seem like there’s some sense to what’s happened or happening around us, but I just couldn’t do this here. I’m glad my husband was able to boil it down in ways I couldn’t, but … even typing the words “my husband” sends pangs rippling through me, thinking of her husband.

  11. May 23, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    Reblogged this on My Other Blog and commented:
    Here is an update about Rara.

  12. May 23, 2015 at 7:18 pm

    This whole situation is just terrible. I’m glad she has you.

    • May 23, 2015 at 8:41 pm

      So terrible. When I first typed this post, there were a few expletives before my first “terrible.” I removed them, but they’re still rolling around my heart and mind. They probably will be for a while.

  13. May 23, 2015 at 8:29 pm

    Terrible, terrible thing.

  14. May 24, 2015 at 4:47 am

    Thank you for sharing this. ❤️

  15. May 24, 2015 at 5:34 am

    So sad. But I’m so glad that you made it, that Rara made it, and that the officer was reasonable.

  16. May 24, 2015 at 7:46 am

    Having read through both Rara’s and Dave’s posts over the last little while in order to catch up on the situation I was just stunned when I learned of his death. Wordless, shaking my head kin

    • May 24, 2015 at 7:50 am

      (to finish, having been cut off mid-thought by my iPad) … Wordless, shaking-my-head kind of stunned. I have nothing to offer but the thought that I’m glad you and your family could be there for Rara et al, because while the sharing of despair may indeed make it easier to bear, it is the sharing of love that ultimately lightens our loads and our spirits. So keep sharing the love as I know you do.

      Love you. Love to you all.

  17. May 25, 2015 at 1:35 am

    This made me cry as have other stories about Rara and now Dave. It’s heartbreaking. I do thank you for sharing and keeping us informed. I can only hope Rara finds happiness somewhere and that this injustice does not go forgotten less repeated to other innocent people xx

  18. May 25, 2015 at 1:38 am

    Reblogged this on Eclectic odds n sods and commented:
    For those of you who follow Rara’s sad story of injustice. Now she suffers the loss of Dave in the mix. I thank all that have kept communication open and allowed us to know what has been going on with her. She will be out soon I believe. I can only hope she finds happiness eventually and that this injustice does not get forgotten.

  1. May 23, 2015 at 9:38 pm
  2. May 25, 2015 at 5:02 pm
  3. May 27, 2015 at 8:44 pm
  4. June 2, 2015 at 6:41 pm
  5. June 11, 2015 at 7:31 pm
  6. June 17, 2015 at 9:46 pm
  7. June 29, 2015 at 7:08 pm
  8. January 10, 2016 at 11:13 am
  9. May 23, 2016 at 1:02 pm

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