Home > Family, Friends, Love, Parenting > This was the year

This was the year

Just a few hours less than a year ago, I held my tiny second son in my arms.

Me and Littler J

He fit so neatly in the crook of my arm then. Now, a heartbeat and an eternity later, he wouldn’t stay there even if he did still fit.

I get that. It’s been such a whirlwind of a year that I have a hard time sitting still now, too. I feel like a storm will come along and blow me away if I try to settle in, so I’d better just keep rolling with it and test my landing seat when the winds slow.

This was the year I moved my older son to a new school, only to discover a new school with a mean teacher is a far more destructive choice than an old school with a loving one. This was the year he quickly returned to the old one.

(It’s also the year I learned a loving teacher can work wonders, pulling a terrified child out of his new-built shell with her tender tenacity.)

This was the year I sobbed in the middle of my living room floor, not from sadness but from emptiness. I angrily chased post partum depression away, but sadness remained in her stead.

This was the year I texted a girlfriend and asked, “When do you get used to keeping track of two kids?” and wept when she texted back, “Six or seven months?” I didn’t have the energy to text back what I thought: But I’m only two months inI’ll never make it that long. Now I’m messing up two kids instead of one. What have I done?

Doing A-OK on his first day

This was the year I had to learn to leave two kids at preschool.

This was the year I returned from maternity leave to discover I wasn’t really returning so much as coming into something entirely new.

This was the year my husband became an assistant director.

This was the year I hated learning that an assistant director really does work longer hours than a production assistant.

This was the year I learned how to take care of two kids at once, well enough if not gracefully.

This was the year my brother-in-law began medical school, partially fulfilling my mom’s longstanding wish her daughters would marry Jewish doctors (she’d always regretted letting one of her own get away) and my wish to see him healing others with as much compassion as he showed my mom even at her roughest.

wpid-wp-1408275337235.jpegThis was the year I sat on my mom’s gravestone with my baby son and felt how my mom would have overflown with joy to meet her fifth grandchild. And the sixth one who came a little later. And the seventh one not far behind him.

This was the year I finally wrote to my mom instead of about her. I felt her in the writing, and rejoiced.

This was the year I left a job before having another one lined up, finally understanding there’s safety in staying on the leash … but other kinds of goodness off it.

This was the year I found a new job I loved.

This was the year my boys’ school closed its baby room just as I got used to the new job and its commute.

This was the year I had to suddenly face splitting up my kids for the day. I’d known it would come, but not this year.

This was the year I walked away from a new job I loved, because there is not enough life to spend an extra thirty minutes a day in the car.

This was the year I was too tired to write long essays, and often fell to verse instead.

juggling 5This was the year I discovered that some new teachers are terrible, but others a blessing. My commute was longer as I learned this lesson, but when I saw my normally unstoppable baby asleep across his new teacher’s arms, one load of doubtful wondering was lifted clean off these juggling-wearied shoulders.

This was the year I saw my older son knows he remains bright in my sky, even if two suns do now shine upon me.

This was the year my older son discovered the joy of having a fan club, and my younger son discovered the joy of having a Li’l D. My capacity to love grew leaps and bounds every time I saw the two together.

Does this look like a bad boy?

This was the year I understood that change is change. It isn’t good. It isn’t bad. It takes getting used to but keeps life from feeling stale, even if sometimes a little staleness would be welcome reprieve.

This was the year I remembered, most of all, that roofs can’t be counted on to remain,

but that the true love of true friends really,

truly,

does.

trex selfie

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  1. March 31, 2015 at 7:59 pm

    Isn’t it amazing how much can happen in a year? Life really can turn on a dime. Sometimes we look back and say, “Did I really survive all that?”

    • March 31, 2015 at 8:21 pm

      It really is. I know I wrote a year in review for 2014, but at the end of this particular year … I am equally full of love and readiness for a gentler pace of change. I consider this post my wish to begin anew, taking forth the love and leaving behind the weariness.

  2. March 31, 2015 at 9:19 pm

    It sounds like a wonderful year. You came through with shining colors, strength, grace, and beauty that only a woman, mother, wife, etc. can. Well done and thank you for sharing this…gives me a little something to think about in my own life!

  3. March 31, 2015 at 10:03 pm

    You have had a very active year and with two kids you have more than enough to use your time at. Congratulations with the little one 😀

  4. Dana
    April 1, 2015 at 12:48 am

    Love to you and the family. One year already? Happy birthday littler one!

  5. Deb
    April 1, 2015 at 5:23 am

    And now to perhaps ponder on what will be written at this time next year…or just live for those change moments and enjoy the inevitable ups and downs. Here’s to a good next year 🙂

  6. April 1, 2015 at 5:53 am

    Wow, that was an amazing piece of writing! Really well done. I am proud of you for surviving all those changes and being so positive about it all. I know it is hard having little children (I had three in three years!) and having to juggle everything else…. you are an amazing woman, good job! much love and peace to you.

    Michelle

  7. NotAPunkRocker
    April 1, 2015 at 7:28 am

    What a year 🙂 ❤

  8. April 1, 2015 at 11:48 am

    Isn’t it amazing all the twists, turns, detours and bumps in the road a year can deliver? You described it quite eloquently… I’ve had a few of those years as I’m sure we all have. Wonderful piece.

  9. April 1, 2015 at 12:16 pm

    You see your life in such great perspective, the good, the bad, and the difficult. Not everyone has that gift, but you do.

  10. April 1, 2015 at 4:48 pm

    The tears!!! Wow, beautiful post. You are amazing, mama ♡♡

  11. April 2, 2015 at 12:29 am

    I hope that perhaps, the next year will be more settled, bring you more peace, and space to enjoy how far you have come 🙂 x

  12. April 2, 2015 at 9:39 am

    lol. wow. BIG year!!! and you MADE IT OUT ALIVE!!! congrats woman 😉 hugz in love and light xo

  13. April 2, 2015 at 7:54 pm

    I love you and your year thus far. I need to sit down and count my blessings. This has been a strange year, a strange 12 months but just really a strange 4 months too. I really need to simply sit and count my blessings.

    Thank you for reminding me to take note.

  1. April 2, 2015 at 8:17 am
  2. May 1, 2015 at 2:05 am

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