Home > Blogging, Personal, Work > One month

One month

Today marks one month at my new job.

I love it. I love my manager, my team,  the company, the benefits, the industry, and the beautiful landscape outside my office, for starters.


I don’t feel nearly so positive about my blog at the moment.

My last post was so traumatic to write, even writing this post a week and a half later makes me nauseous. I’ve posted briefly on my health blog since,  but I’ve wanted to delete this whole blog and pretend it never existed. I’ve wanted to erase that heaviness.

And yet, I have been here four years. Being here has become part of me. Celebrating my joys here has become part of me.

So today I celebrate, here, one month at one amazing job.

My commute is long, but the job is worth it.

  1. February 12, 2015 at 1:59 pm

    So glad the job is going well. That should erase some of the heaviness too. 🙂

    • February 12, 2015 at 7:29 pm

      It really does help. I’ve had jobs I’ve enjoyed before, but I don’t think I’ve ever had one that was so stabilizing and supportive. The environment there is unreal, in an overwhelmingly positive way. I’m so grateful for that.

  2. cardamone5
    February 12, 2015 at 2:13 pm

    This blog is real, not heavy. Give yourself a break, and celebrate, as you are. I am grateful we connected, and to be following your journey.


    • February 12, 2015 at 7:30 pm

      It feels heavy to me right now … so, so very heavy. It does feel a little lighter for supportive words like yours. Thank you.

  3. NotAPunkRocker
    February 12, 2015 at 2:22 pm

    I am glad to hear that it is a positive thing 🙂

    We’ll be wherever you need us to be when you write. ((hugs))

    • February 12, 2015 at 7:32 pm

      I was a little apprehensive when I signed on for that commute. I thought I was getting into something good, but you never really know till you get there. Now, I am so, so very glad I gave it a shot! (So glad, too, that Anthony was there when I just about said I couldn’t take it because of the travel requirement. The alternative universes where I don’t work here are sad ones!)

      Thank you so much for your encouragement. ♥

  4. February 12, 2015 at 2:25 pm

    ((Hugs)) to you.

  5. February 12, 2015 at 2:53 pm

    Please don’t delete this blog. It is my main connection to you, and I’d hate to lose it. Take some time away if you need it. We’ll be here when you get back. Lots of love to you.

    • February 12, 2015 at 7:37 pm

      I think what I’m experiencing right now is a kind of transference. What I want to do is delete my actual history and make it kinder. That’s not possible, but it is possible to take out all that sadness and hurt in a very tangible way here. Of course, doing so would be like pressing the “walk” button over and over again for the sake of doing something, even though those extra presses don’t make the light change any faster. I don’t suspect I will delete it, but I do think it’ll probably take a while before I feel comfortable writing here again. (At least I’m not shaking. I shook even thinking about my blog for the week after posting that last one. Ugh.)

      I think of you often. I’ve composed dozens of emails to you in my head. I don’t know how I haven’t managed to translate a single one to print yet. I’m hoping for soon. ♥

      • February 27, 2015 at 6:14 am

        It’s alright, mama. I stink at communicating. I think of you often, too. Just remember that someone in Michigan loves you and is better for having you in her life, even under these circumstances. ❤

  6. February 12, 2015 at 3:03 pm

    Glad the job is going well; wish that post had lifted you rather than weighed you down. But sometimes the hard ones do that at first.

    • February 12, 2015 at 6:39 pm

      Good point. Give it a chance to settle, Deb.

    • February 12, 2015 at 7:39 pm

      There’s something really hopeful about those last two words: “at first.” I’ve had one or two posts that packed a wallop for a few hours, and one even up to a day … but this is well beyond anything I expected. It’s comforting to think of these days as part of a longer term process.

      What really does lift up is these thoughtful words. Even if I never posted here again, I can’t give up reading the folks I’ve come to adore/admire over the last few years. No way.

      • February 12, 2015 at 7:52 pm

        You know, maybe THIS blog, where you’ve shared so much, isn’t or shouldn’t be the final home for that piece. Maybe you should move IT (Stories that must not die is a blog that comes to mind.) instead of abandoning this blog which has given you (and us) so much.

        • February 13, 2015 at 5:02 am

          Now THAT is a great idea! I’ve submitted a query about transferring it over there. Thank you. ♥

          • February 13, 2015 at 5:29 am

            Sure thing. I’d hate to lose you, and this isn’t the only subject you share here. There is sooooo much more. XX

          • February 13, 2015 at 5:32 am

            Right now I’m getting ready to repost something that will, I think, help overcome this terrible feeling.

            Just rereading it lifts me up and reminds me how much more than is (and could be) here.

            Big, big hugs.

          • February 13, 2015 at 5:39 am

            Back to you!

        • February 14, 2015 at 8:27 am

          So I emailed them and asked about moving the post over there. They said that’s fine, which took a huge load off my shoulders.

          And speaking of “huge,” I am hugely grateful for your suggesting it. The suggestion itself was a relief, but the fact you gave it thought and offered a suggestion to ease the discomfort was a powerful reminder to me. Like in my “you don’t have families” post, your words helped me see.

          I’m not ten years old anymore. I’m not alone. I don’t have to wade through it alone. Being reminded of that … that is a gift for which there are truly no words of thanks great enough.

          But still … thank you, so much more than I can say.

          • February 14, 2015 at 8:36 am

            Glad to help. We are all in this together!

  7. February 12, 2015 at 3:21 pm

    How very great!

  8. February 12, 2015 at 3:51 pm

    I was wondering how your commute was going?! Great to hear that you’re enjoying the job and new boss!!!! 🙂 (And take a break, if that’s what you need. I, like “kantal 113”, will be here when you get back! ) Talent needs a “breather”, once in awhile, yes???? 🙂 Take the time and “breathe”, Sweetie! 🙂

    • February 12, 2015 at 7:43 pm

      I’m not a huge fan of the commute, but it really is worth it! I’m still using it to practice Spanish, which is pretty exciting. A few of my coworkers even let me practice with them in the break room. It’s awesome to imagine how much I’ll improve in a month, three months, six months … and to imagine using those language skills in a Spanish-speaking country!

      Yeah, I dig the job. 🙂

      Many, many thanks for your supportive words. I am so grateful. ♥

      • February 13, 2015 at 5:28 pm

        You’re welcome. Commuting has never been fun for me, either. I commuted across one bridge to work and over another one (in the same day) when I was in Grad. school. Now I “commute” from my bedroom to my patio in the morning and am very grateful for the “short commute”…..More power to you for learning Spanish. I really could use a lesson or two in it living where I live, but my heart is with learning Italian. I’m an “Italian” whose Mother would not speak the language in front of me for fear I’d not “blend in” with the American culture…Oh well…Thank goodness things are different today! Have fun speaking Spanish and Happy Valentine’s Day, Deb!!! 🙂

  9. February 12, 2015 at 4:47 pm

    Congratulations on your job!! This post is living proof of the distance you have done to get to where you are now. Pat yourself on the back for that! 🙂 bravo!!

    • February 13, 2015 at 5:03 am

      Many thanks! Yesterday really was a great opportunity to reflect how far I’ve come, and imagine how far I still have left to go … in a really positive way. 🙂

      • February 13, 2015 at 1:34 pm

        Truly, that is more important that YOU see it and feel it.

  10. February 12, 2015 at 6:41 pm

    So glad you love the new job. Maybe a little blog break would help, but know how many people want to hear what you have to say.

    • February 13, 2015 at 5:04 am

      Elyse offered a great suggestion which I think might make this place go back to feeling safer to me. Fingers crossed!

      As for the job, I think it will be a long, long time before I stop feeling lucky. Hopefully the feeling won’t ever go away. 🙂

  11. February 12, 2015 at 7:03 pm

    good job

  12. February 12, 2015 at 8:52 pm

    Your description of the new job made me smile. The truth is heavy sometimes. Sometimes I want to whitewash my entire blog, but I won’t for some mysterious reason. I hope you don’t, either, because I love it and value it. And congrats on the lovely new job.

    • February 13, 2015 at 5:11 am

      Thank you so much on many counts. It’s funny how I could have written about aspects of one thing several times here, and then still manage to find a way of looking at that leaves me cold. It feels so important to have out there, because I know how much reading other people’s words and experiences has helped me. But right now I wonder, does it need to be out there here?

      Actually, typing this post made me think it’s time to repost a liberating blog I accidentally deleted a couple years back.

      Yeah. I think I will!

      Thank you.

  13. February 12, 2015 at 9:10 pm

    Having a great job is wonderful! It can completely change your whole outlook on life!

    • February 16, 2015 at 5:49 am

      It really can! As I’ve wandered through the non-job muck, my job’s stability and considered emphasis on being a team has felt very grounding to me … after only a month! I think I’m going to be saying “thanks” for this job for a long time to come. 🙂

  14. nicciattfield
    February 12, 2015 at 11:59 pm

    I think it’s the difficulties, the courageous sharing and the authenticity which brings your blog alive. The last post was a relief for me, because I have also been in situations where I knew that people had power, and could have chosen not to back down. It made me think how vulnerable young girls are. I communicated and shared with Danny about her safety and the importance of never blaming herself if she gets caught in uncomfortable situations.

    I’m glad your new job is working well. And I hope your energy comes back and cravings stop.

    • February 21, 2015 at 9:22 am

      The cravings disappeared for a little while, but the last few days have been rougher. Still, I do feel a little better each day, and that little bit of better is enough to keep me going. Thank you … for that, and for all your thoughtful words, which support and uplift. I am so grateful for you.

  15. lishawrites
    February 13, 2015 at 9:38 am

    I’m glad you’re still here.

    • February 21, 2015 at 9:24 am

      I used to think I had to do everything by myself, for myself. In hard times, I still default to that. And then, then I say something … and through the words I would never have heard had I tried wading through it alone, am reminded that community is the best part of healing. Thank you. ♥

  16. February 13, 2015 at 10:10 am

    Hooray for your job! I’m glad you enjoy it so much.

  17. February 13, 2015 at 8:46 pm

    Last weekend I struggled. I am still shaking off the lingering feelings of blue. I wrote about it, as I always do. I think about this feeling as I read backwards here. I think about how we can be grabbed by our history in unexpected ways.

    There are homes for our heart, for our aches, for our triggers. There are paths we walk, sometimes only once and other times far more often than we would like. There are times we will open doors so our monsters can scratch at the surface before we put them back where they belong. We are never I don’t think, entirely free of them.

    What we are though, what you most especially are is a bright light. Brilliant and victorious. Loving and loved. We need you, your insight and your humanity.

    I am glad you love your new job. I am glad you are finding a new ‘home’ to work in.

  18. February 14, 2015 at 4:19 pm

    I really hope you’ll stick with this blog. I don’t ever miss anything you post, and you rarely fail to get me thinking, often along tracks that have never occurred to me before. i value that SO MUCH, and am sure I’m not the only one! Take a break, if you need to … but please don’t leave.

    • February 16, 2015 at 5:42 am

      It’s become such a huge part of my life that it would be hard to walk away.

      As of posting this, I felt pretty certain I was going to let it wither and fade. But Elyse’s suggestion reminded me I (a) have options other than wandering around in the darkness and (b) love, love, love the community here. I would miss that greatly were I not here to some extent.

      I’m taking Elyse’s suggestion, BTW; that particular post is moving over to Stories That Must Not Die on Thursday. I’ll be able to have it out there–which is important–without having it drag down here. That is a very exciting thing.

      Thank you for your encouragement and openness, always. ♥

  19. February 15, 2015 at 1:46 pm

    Congratulations! I am glad to hear that you are enjoying your new job.

    • February 16, 2015 at 5:52 am

      It is so, so awesome! I wish all employers would operate by principles like to my new jobs’; I think (and evidence supports that) they’d find a much, much more productive workforce.

  1. February 13, 2015 at 5:33 am

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