Home > Family, Love, Parenting > Five years of (not so little) Li’l D

Five years of (not so little) Li’l D

Five years ago a handful of hours from now, I held my newborn baby in my arms and felt the wonder of loving someone so new so immensely.

thank you, Li'l D, for making a mom of me

I’ve watched that tiny baby grow into a little boy, my Li’l D, first smiling, than laughing, then toddling, then running, and now capable of so much I can barely believe it. Didn’t I just bring him home from the hospital?

For almost exactly five years now, I have
fed him
bathed him
changed his diapers
changed his clothing
wept to see my dying mom hold him
walked with him
run with him
let him go
welcomed him back
chastised him
snapped at him
said sorry
sang to him
read to him
told him stories
told him about death
worried about him
driven him
played with him
ran errands with him
cherished him

Hand in hand: much better than either in the garbage can!

He has been in my mind and heart for almost every moment of the last five years. On the brink of his fifth birthday, I can’t help wondering a little what the next five years will bring. And what about the five after that? But I don’t want to wonder too hard, because there is so very much to relish in this moment.

Some months ago, Li’l D watched Ghostbusters with his dad. He got such a kick out of the movie that his dad asked if he wanted to dress as a Ghostbuster someday. He said yes, so his dad began assembling the costume, complete with a proton pack that lights up.

IMG_20140927_190157Today they dressed as Ghostbusters for Long Beach Comic Con. My heart swelled as I watched his dad lovingly suit him up, with him telling me all the while how I couldn’t go to the ghost side with them because I wasn’t a ghostbuster. How is this the baby I brought home? I wondered again. This little boy who can tell me exactly what he’s thinking and feeling, and can talk about “proton packs” and “containment units”?

As we left the convention, his dad said, “People were really excited to see me! I guess it’s pretty uncommon to find black Ghostbuster cosplayers.”

“Today there were two black Ghostbusters! Me and you,” Li’l D chimed in, reaching for his dad’s hand.

“That’s the first time I’ve heard him self-identify!” his dad exclaimed.

“Me, too.” How fitting, I thought, it should come as I find myself again wondering so keenly who he is meant to be.

Time will tell. He will tell. And I, I will hug him and sing to him and laugh with him and stroke his hair just as long as he will let me, savoring the chance to see him grow … and always, blessedly, joyously, to be his mom.


  1. September 27, 2014 at 7:20 pm

    okay now is my turn to say I so needed this today! It has been a rotten day so Thank you for this post!

    • September 27, 2014 at 7:21 pm

      Aw! I’m sorry the day was rotten, but I’m glad this brought a little brightness at day’s end. ♥

  2. September 27, 2014 at 7:24 pm

    Made my heart swell, too, as I held my little guy’s hand while he drifted off to sleep. And great photography, too!

    • September 28, 2014 at 7:15 am

      Aaaw! Those bedtime moments are the sweetest of all. Last night I got to sing my kiddo to sleep, a rarity these days, leaving me misty-eyed but oh so happy.

  3. September 27, 2014 at 7:37 pm

    Gorgeous. I suspect you will worry about him forever – just because the cherishing also doesn’t have an end date.

    • September 28, 2014 at 7:18 am

      I think that’s true! I hope he grows up such that l worry not because there’s cause in him but because it is within me. 🙂

  4. September 27, 2014 at 8:21 pm

    I love this, I love he is growing up in your space and with you. Ghostbusters, who you gonna call…I love he will call you all.

    Happy Birthday Lil’D

  5. nicciattfield
    September 28, 2014 at 2:22 am

    Lovely little boy. I hope the next five years bring an equal amount of joy, as you get to know him more and more.

  6. nicciattfield
    September 28, 2014 at 2:22 am

    Happy birthday, Lil’D!

  7. September 28, 2014 at 4:45 am

    Aw! So sweet. Loved the ghostbuster story. Well, my own little baby boy’s birthday was a few days ago (he turned 12!) and I can say my heart still bursts at the sight of him. The love and worries a mama has for her son will never fade, that’s for sure. Happy birthday to Lil’D!

  8. September 28, 2014 at 4:51 am

    Happy Birthday Lil’D ..Mom, may the next 5 bring you even more, you deserve them ❤

  9. September 28, 2014 at 5:56 am

    Wow what an incredible post! Happy birthday!

  10. Twindaddy
    September 28, 2014 at 6:56 am

    Isn’t it awesome how our children can make us all warm and tingly i

  11. Twindaddy
    September 28, 2014 at 6:57 am


    Ugh, my tablet is being stupid, so you get TWO comments from me! Aren’t you lucky?

  12. September 28, 2014 at 10:35 am

    Happy Birthday to your son and many happy returns of the day to you and your family.

  13. September 28, 2014 at 1:32 pm

    Happy birthday 🙂

  14. September 28, 2014 at 8:07 pm

    Happy Birthday Lil’D!! You’re a lucky little boy. Your mommy’s love runs so deep, even if she “can’t go to the ghost side” with you!

  15. September 28, 2014 at 8:33 pm

    Happy birthday Lil’D! And happy mom-iversary to you, Deb!

  16. September 29, 2014 at 1:16 pm

    I love being able to share in your journey! It is so sweet, so much fun, and so loving. 🙂 XOXO-Kasey

  17. October 1, 2014 at 6:23 am

    How did I not realize that your Lil D & my CJ were so close in age?! He turns 5 in a month.

    Happy birthday, little dude – it’s been great hearing your life through your mom’s eyes 🙂

  1. September 28, 2014 at 6:36 pm
  2. November 8, 2014 at 4:17 am
  3. September 19, 2015 at 8:02 pm

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