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Archive for September, 2014

The odd ones

My childhood birthday parties were, like my entire childhood, awkward. Three groups of kids attended:

1. My siblings
2. My best friend, whose mom regretted her daughter could find no better friend Read more…

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Five years of (not so little) Li’l D

Five years ago a handful of hours from now, I held my newborn baby in my arms and felt the wonder of loving someone so new so immensely.

thank you, Li'l D, for making a mom of me

I’ve watched that tiny baby grow into a little boy, my Li’l D, first smiling, than laughing, then toddling, then running, and now capable of so much I can barely believe it. Didn’t I just bring him home from the hospital?

For almost exactly five years now, I have
fed him
bathed him
changed his diapers
changed his clothing
wept to see my dying mom hold him
walked with him
run with him
let him go
welcomed him back Read more…

This moment

Categories: Family, Photos Tags: , , ,

That moment, the end

That moment
when he smiles,
looks you in the eye,
and
(with a straight face)
tells you who you are

That moment
when he mistakes
how much you care
what he does
or
does not
think

That moment
when you
almost
tell him, but
choose
simply
to smile back

(Your words
will not be heard;
best to preserve
them
for those
willing
to hear them)

That moment,
the end;
but,
equally,
the beginning
of something
(inevitably)
better

Call me Deborah?

“Mommymommymommymommy!”

“Yes, sweetheart?”

“Mommy, look what I drew, Mommy!”

“That’s lovely.” I’m not quite sure what it is, but his enthusiasm really is inspiring.

“Mommy! I added a line! Look, Mommy! Mommy, look! Mommy!”

“Oh, my word! Can you please give me a second?” Read more…

Categories: Family, Love, Parenting Tags: , , ,

Out of the tide of doing

My baby’s cold awakened him and me at 11pm, 4am and 5:15am.

At 5:45am, I whisked us off to Starbucks to buy the bigger boys more sleep time.

Once here, I thought I should buy a newspaper, or maybe just read the news on my phone.

Then, seeing my baby’s joy at chewing on my shirt’s drawstring, I thought I might step out of the tide of doing and just enjoy being. Like him.

I see
my baby’s wonder at windows, and conversation, and seeing new people
a man who stirs sugar into his coffee as if he is conducting a symphony; I can almost hear the music
a lady in a dress my mom would have worn in the 90s
a soldier smiling as he orders his drink
barristas busying themselves over conversation when no one awaits a drink
the sky lightening from deep blue to the milder blue-gray of a cloudy morning in LA

I see, and smile, thinking I should more often step out of the tide of doing and sit in the goodness of getting to be.

NO

“This is not a good time for this call,” I told the vendor whose call I’d just accidentally answered.

“But I want you to know how much I’m doing to help you and what I’m doing to resolve these issues and–”

“This is not a good time for this call,” I restated. “I spent an ungodly amount of time trying to resolve account issues that shouldn’t even have been issues yesterday. It took me away from the big stuff I needed to do, stuff I now need to focus on. I cannot spend one more second with you on this right now.”

“You’re not being fair!” she exclaimed. She again launched into an explanation of everything she was doing to help me, clearly having had no acquaintance with the idea of “lizard brain,” the mode people get into when higher brain functioning has shut off and they’re operating at a primal reactive level. I was in lizard brain mode, and no good was going to come from immediate further conversation.

“You’re not hearing me. Read more…

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