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Archive for May, 2013

I Will Teach Him to Roar

Our son’s words
startled us, warning that
there is much we don’t know
about his life when we
are not there
to witness it.

Alarmed,
we researched
why he might say such things;
huddled with our family;
planned conversations;
asked questions–
so, so many
questions.

Still, unsure,
we visited his doctor,
who watched, listened,
and talked openly, touching
a hand to her heart when I told her
that, having lived abuse, I remain
sensitive to its possibility, even
knowing other possibilities
exist.

My mom,
abused and
an abuser herself,
had many faults; and yet,
when I think of her, what I
recall is her ferocious advocacy
on behalf of her children.

She dreamed
of a better life for
each of her children,
and better lives still for
each of their children.

Remembering her,
I know I cannot protect
my son from all the hurts
life will cast upon him.

But I also know,
Remembering my mom,
I will take every step I must,
away or toward.

I will ask every
potentially embarrassing question,
and risk alienation.

I will roar.
I will teach him to roar,
when roaring is needed.

I cannot protect him from everything,
but I can try, acting, roaring,
within my power to prevent
avoidable hurts.

And when I cannot protect him,
I will make sure he knows
that breaks don’t mean
we are broken; that
hurts don’t mean
we are
wounds.

I am my mother’s daughter,
and my son will know
my mom’s love,
and ferocity,
in addition to my own;
knowing me not only
for how loud I roar, but
for how wholly I love
him.

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My Manif-YES-to

Yes to breathing.

Yes to running. Yes to the knowledge I am becoming stronger with every step.

Yes to knowing when it’s time to walk away, and when it’s time to run.

Yes to wishing my siblings lived closer.

sisters 2013
Yes to crying because my fiancee’s new job keeps him away far longer than I’d like.

Yes to smiling because he will be with me soon. Read more…

What is run can never be unrun

It’s tempting to run to music. Stepping in time to someone else’s tune is usually much easier than setting my own.

It’s easier, but it’s also less fulfilling. Tonight I ditched my music, donned my new Vibrams, and began running.

vibrams

The quiet felt eerie at first, until, step by step, I decided it was an empty page of sheet music waiting to be scored.

My path took me across a decrepit corner market. Bags of chips and bottles of hairspray competed for space on the cluttered shelves. I saw them for only a second before I was running back through time, and stepping into the market around the corner from my childhood home.

I handed the clerk a dollar bill for a bottle of Dr. Pepper and waited for change. Instead of returning my change to me, the clerk said, “What your mom does, it’s not right. She should take better care of you.”

“You have no idea what my mom does. Just give me my change.” I glared at the clerk before thrusting my hand her direction, silently demanding my change.

“I’m not saying this right,” she said, looking genuinely flustered. “I was like you growing up. It was hard. I’m just trying to help–”

“Wow, yeah, I can tell. You’re helping so much, making life so much easier for my mom, my siblings and me. We don’t need your kind of ‘help.'” I turned and stalked out of the market without my change, only seldom to return again. I had to be fierce to survive, both inside and outside of my home.

2010

Fierce enough to run barefoot, in my mom’s memory, circa 2010

Back in May 2013, I saw I’d run a couple of blocks through the past. Returned to the present, I smiled at the teen texting while skating so slow I kept passing him. I listened to Korean karaoke and wondered if my neighborhood might not be the home karaoke capital of the world.  I shook my head at the lady who kept pounding a crosswalk button, opting to do something instead of nothing, because although the end result is the same, it feels more productive.

I’d cruised dozens of steps past her before I realized she was me. I spent six months in an unhealthy situation, telling myself that I could end it if I could just find the right words to make someone else understand my pain. “I just haven’t found the right words yet,” I told myself, pounding the button. “Maybe these are the right ones?” Pound. “Or these ones?” Poundpoundpound.

It took someone else’s flippant comment for me to realize there were literally no words I could say to them to make them understand. I’d tried dozens if not hundreds of combinations, but none of them sank in, because–here’s the kicker–no one in this world can make another person understand.

I decided it was time to chart a new course. I stopped idly pounding someone else’s buttons and stepped away.

I was frustrated with myself as I ran and remembered.

‘”Six whole months, Deb. Six months. You couldn’t figure it out sooner?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle, though, picturing the lady pounding away at the crosswalk button in hopes of a green light come earlier by her actions.

Yes, I was slow on the uptake. No, I can’t change the past by beating up my past self for her actions. Somehow it’s easier to see this as I pound the pavement, step after step after glorious step.

I once plowed through the heartaches of my youth. They hurt, but they made me stronger. I pushed my way through irrepressible loneliness in South Korea, law school and Japan, in that order. I did many things right and others very, very wrong, straight up through this very evening run.

I would never have heard these tunes converge with my ears turned toward someone else’s stories in song. I would never have seen with such clarity how I have run through heartache, hardship and loss, somehow managing to gather speed instead of slowing.

Step after step after step, I run. I will never be an Olympian in the outside world, but in my inner world, as I run through past, present and future, there are no medals equal to the sheer beauty of striding through strife and into ever-increasing strength.

Summited K2! Oh, wait.

L.A. Marathon ’04: What is run can never be unrun

The Gift of Fear

She didn’t tell me his name.

She didn’t tell me what he did for a living, or where he came from.

She tried not to talk about him much at all, which evoked mild curiosity but didn’t alarm me, even though I’d always known her prior boyfriends by no less than name, occupation, hobbies and demeanor.

It was only when my dear friend fell silent for weeks after dating the new guy that I started to feel a niggling sense of worry.

A gregarious, affable extrovert, she’d always been one to text dozens of times a day, and reply instantly to virtually any text message. I often felt guilty for replying so slowly to her texts; it can take me days or even weeks to reply to a single message.

When she failed to reply to several text messages over a few-week period, I started to worry. I texted her: I get nervous when you fall silent.

She wrote back that she’d moved several hours north of our hometown. When I read him her text message, my fiancee, Anthony, said, “She’s moving the wrong direction! She should be moving down here with us.” I said she’d probably moved with her boyfriend, versus moving just for fun, but relayed his message to her. She confirmed that she’d moved with her boyfriend, whose name I still didn’t know.

I thought, abusers try to isolate their partners. I promptly squashed the thought as the byproduct of an overactive imagination. She hadn’t said anything was wrong, apart from a mild case of moving blues.

My mama and me

Most my mom’s cuts and bruises weren’t from accidents, which impacts my relationship assessments

A few weeks later, my friend called and told me her boyfriend had assaulted her. She was shocked and shaken, but had quickly arranged alternative lodging for herself.

“You should leave,” I told her. “I think it’s dangerous for you to stay. You can come stay with us for a little.” I coordinated parts of her departure with her, but worried she wouldn’t leave. It’s often much easier to continue enduring known hardship than embrace the idea of enduring unknown, unquantifiable hardships. Indeed, the human imagination for possible woes is endless, so that the unknown can end up seeming much more threatening than painful situations we’ve already shown ourselves we can survive.

When my friend called me a couple of days later and said she’d probably overreacted, I stressed that I didn’t feel she had. Still, she was determined to stay and prove she was strong enough to make a home in her new locale, with or without her boyfriend. Read more…

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