Home > Family, Love, Music, Personal, Relationships > The scars on our hearts

The scars on our hearts

We laid side by side and discussed the end of our relationship.

There was no arguing. No crying. No screaming. No pleading. We were done, Anthony and I. We had gone our own ways months before; our words didn’t make truth but mirror it.

“Do we call it now, then?” I asked. “Or do we give it another week and see how we feel then?”

After several moments of reflection, Anthony replied, “Let’s give it a week.”

From authors to singers, from actors to painters, there are few artists whose works I consistently enjoy. I usually describe myself as liking works, not artists, with rare exceptions like Joss Whedon, Eric Kufs or P!nk.

P!nk has been a favorite since law school, when I began running to her fierce yet catchy tunes. I didn’t have to be or feel any one thing while listening to her music. I felt all of myself in it: sadness, anger, frustration, elation, hope.

And yet, having loved her music for a decade, I was still shocked to discover a few days ago just how much more deeply she could move me.

I enjoyed “Just Give Me A Reason” the first time I heard it, but it was the transient enjoyment of half-listening.

The second time I heard it, I actually heard it:

Just give me a reason
Just a little bit’s enough
Just a second we’re not broken just bent
We can learn to love again
It’s in the stars
It’s been written in the scars on our hearts
That we’re not broken just bent
And we can learn to love again

I wept.

A year ago, Anthony and I chose to give ourselves one more week.

In that week, we found reasons. In the weeks that followed, we found more reasons.

A few months later, he proposed. I said yes, and slowly came to forget just how close we’d been to walking away from each other.

Listening to “Just Give Me A Reason,” I remembered it all. I saw from the vantage of today a whole history that would never have been if we hadn’t given ourselves one week to find a reason. Thanks to that week, we learned to love again.

Thanks to P!nk, I see anew the gifts of that love.

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  1. January 29, 2013 at 3:29 am

    I love how songs can sometimes tell our story. I’m also glad yours had a happy ending. Thanks for sharing!

    • January 29, 2013 at 4:13 am

      It’s been a little while since I found a song that felt like my story, for which I’m grateful as I listen to this song yet again; it makes it all the more powerful in my heart! There are others, though, as I think in this. “The Living Years” was one of my mom’s, so I grew up wanting that not to be the story of my relationship with her. Tearing up again thinking about it. I love music’s many powers.

  2. January 29, 2013 at 4:03 am

    Like you I find my story told in music quite often, my history and my present through the words and rhythms. Sometimes I think this is because my first love was dance not words.

    Your week, the chance you gave yourselves; I am so glad for you both. P!nk and her words are telling, as I read them my eyes blurred.

    • January 29, 2013 at 4:15 am

      I didn’t know (or had forgotten) that dance was your first love! Somehow that seems so clear as I reflect on your words and the heart revealed by them. There is always such grace in them, even in the moments where you describe yourself as feeling graceless.

  3. January 29, 2013 at 4:41 am

    Sometimes a thing has to seemingly die in order to evolve and become something bigger and better. So glad your relationship was one of those things.

    • January 29, 2013 at 6:00 am

      It’s true, isn’t it? I just watched an episode of Bones where one of the characters states nothing ever comes back as vibrant after it’s died. Sure, that is true for science, but outside of science, sometimes things are reborn as different, brighter things. Happily.

  4. January 29, 2013 at 5:05 am

    I was so worried that you and Anthony were splitting up, with all the stress that is going on in your life right now. I would miss reading about your love for him. It’s hard to work through the breakup feelings, especially when both of you are in the same frame of mind. That was the right question to ask at the right time…glad you gave it another week.

    • January 29, 2013 at 6:05 am

      I viewed the question as a practical business matter: what is the action resulting from this discussion? Act now or circle back at a later date and act then? I’m glad that businesslike approach yielded such lovely un-business-y results.

      Anthony has been especially supportive throughout the last month’s travails. His supply of patience makes it easier to find my own, even for myself as I go through the steps of getting rid of bad old ideas that were hurting me (I can do/eat anything! RAWR!) and replacing them with gentler, sustainable and more truthful ones. I’ve been feeling weepy with gratitude a lot recently, and this song amplified it, sweetly.

  5. January 29, 2013 at 5:56 am

    Funny how songs can express our feelings better than mere words can. I hope that you and Anthony can find more than one more reason to stay together. Fights happen between lovers and between married people but they find those reasons to put them behind them because the reasons to stay together are stronger. Their love is stronger. I hope your love is stronger and will see you through this difficult time.

    • January 29, 2013 at 6:07 am

      That difficult time has passed, and we have found many reasons since. Every single day we find some–or I do, anyway. I hope he is finding the same. 😉

  6. January 29, 2013 at 6:06 am

    PS. I find your writings about your family so beautiful. I nominated you for the Very Inspiring Blogger Award. Melanie

    • January 29, 2013 at 6:09 am

      Thank you on both counts, Melanie! I look forward to checking this out when we have a proper internet connection, possibly as soon as tomorrow. ♥

  7. January 29, 2013 at 10:20 am

    This is perfectly beautiful, Deb.

  8. Miranda Gargasz
    January 29, 2013 at 11:09 am

    You know what’s creepy? I have a post eerily similar to this that I’m posting later. Must be something in the air…….

  9. January 29, 2013 at 11:23 am

    I think that songs are one of those things that can definitely trigger so many emotions in response to it, or even make you look at something in a different light. I’m so glad that the song made you rethink everything, and fight for each other, because from what I’ve read from your posts you two ae a great couple. But, of course, any great couple, whether together, or married, still have to fight for their relationship in darker times. It can’t be perfect, and the imperfections can be the thing we love the most about that person.

  10. January 29, 2013 at 11:25 am

    Oh, and sorry to add, but I love that you mention how you enjoy your husbands and sons snoring too. I wish I could love my husbands snoring but I’m a light sleeper and have to opt for ear plugs and waking him up! 😉

    • January 29, 2013 at 11:27 am

      I mean I enjoy it when you mention their snoring, I’m sorry, I’ve been a basket case lately and that’s why I love reading about both your husband, your son, and your family.

  11. January 29, 2013 at 11:46 am

    Words can connect with us in such fundamental ways. Words well written can sing, for us, the very songs locked in our hearts. I’m glad to learn the first part was a memory, not a now. 🙂

  12. January 29, 2013 at 11:49 am

    The beginning of your post scared me!! I’m so glad that you gave it another week because the three of you seem so perfect together. 🙂

  13. January 29, 2013 at 1:21 pm

    I like to use an analogy of my relationship with my spouse as a book. We’re not always on the same page, or even in the same chapter at times, but if we’re in the same book, with the plot heading for the same conclusion, then there are reasons to stay together. Relationships always go through disconnects and disappointments, but remembering that you both share the same overall goal will assist you in getting to that common page.

  14. January 29, 2013 at 1:42 pm

    Music will always be an opening to our soul.

  15. January 30, 2013 at 5:08 am

    the lyrics of the song just head straight to the heart and make the reader realize we can stand up on our two feet again. That there is hope. That we can be stronger and be healed. The process may take time but just knowing we can overcome the pain is worth the wait. Beautiful, moving post. Wishing you and your family all life’s joy and blessing. take care.

  16. January 30, 2013 at 5:10 pm

    So glad you found your week, your music and your man.

  17. January 30, 2013 at 8:04 pm

    How poignant, and very inspiring to anyone who has thought they were at the end of a relationship. I’m so glad it worked out for you, and that you guys gave it another week. What a beautiful, moving post.

  1. February 10, 2013 at 8:06 am
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