Home > FTIAT, Guest blogger > FTIAT: Past, present and imperfection

FTIAT: Past, present and imperfection

Jess (Sapphire & Rain) and I go way, way back, at least as far as my personal blogging timeline is concerned. I was only a few months into blogging when Jess made me my very own blogging award: the Double Trouble Blogger Award for “witty and insightful writing.” Although I loved her before that, I loved her eleventy billion times more when I looked at the quirky icon she’d made just for me. Sixteen months later, it still makes me smile.

“Takes one to know one!” is what I thought both then and now–now that I think of her foremost as a friend and secondarily a blogger. Her thoughts in both spheres continue to entrance me, and it’s my hope Jess and I will have a lot of years of conversation ahead, both on and off of our blogs.

Recommended post: Question everything

Past, present and imperfection

In the fall of 1998, I was eighteen years old and not yet motivated enough to get my driver’s license. My slightly older boyfriend drove me around most of the time, but on some days he was unavailable. My dad was usually at work. So on those days, I had to walk to my job.

It wasn’t a big deal, really. I applied for that job because it was within walking distance. I didn’t want to have to rely on anyone for transportation– a wise choice. It took about ten minutes to walk from my house to work on the other side of the highway. I just hated crossing the parking lot of the furniture store.

Photo by Radcliffe Dacanay, used with Creative Commons License

Something about that store spooked me, but I didn’t know what it was. I gazed into the windows every time I walked past; there was a beautiful ivory and blue striped sofa that I wanted to buy when I finally moved out on my own. Maybe when I was ready to make a purchase, I would be brave enough to venture inside. The thought of my future apartment kept my mind occupied as I rushed across the often empty lot and past a dumpster that sat under the dark shade of a thick oak tree. By the time I reached the office supply store where I worked, the eerie feelings had left me.

Thirteen years later, my doctor refers me to a cardiologist. I’ve had heart palpitations recently and something unusual showed up on an EKG. I check with my insurance to find a participating provider and call around to find someone with an early opening. I get an appointment for the following day, in a newly opened office which is still being renovated. It used to be a furniture store.

Photo by Gabriela Pinto, used with Creative Commons License

When I pull into the lot for my appointment, I am driving the third car I’ve owned over the years. The building looks different, but the dumpster is still there. Across the street is the shopping center where the office supply store used to be before it went out of business. On the highway the same kinds of cars whiz by– newer models, of course. They navigate the newly constructed lanes as if they had always been there.

I climb the stairs to the building slowly, letting my mind soak up the scenery. The changes that occurred so gradually hit me as though they had just happened all at once. I walk in, take a seat in the waiting area, and I can feel myself –the ghost of my self of the past– gazing in at me. I realize that I am sitting where the ivory and blue sofa sat on display all those years ago.

Suddenly the former spookiness makes sense, and I revel in awe of simultaneous past and present, wondering if my future self is somewhere nearby too. I am thankful for this fluttering heart, my heart with its imperfect valves and premature beats, for it brought me here and reminded me how infinitely deep this life is.

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  1. November 9, 2012 at 5:43 am

    Stellar post, Jess! “…for it brought me here and reminded me how infinitely deep this life is.” Words to remember every. single. day. Thanks for sharing 🙂

  2. November 9, 2012 at 9:18 am

    Very interesting – and cool!

  3. November 10, 2012 at 9:07 am

    Wow, that is a wonderful story and indeed displays how connected everything and everyone in the world really is…Thanks for sharing!

  4. November 10, 2012 at 9:08 am

    How strange life is, our memories that bring us up short cause us to pause and remind us of of our journey. Thank you, for you have reminded me to take deep breaths, be grateful for my friends, family and the infinite opportunities for love.

  5. November 11, 2012 at 2:03 pm

    Erie and beautiful!

  1. November 9, 2012 at 5:42 am
  2. November 23, 2012 at 5:30 am
  3. May 6, 2016 at 6:39 pm

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