Home > Family, Humor, Silly > Gentle suggestions for my perfect 34th birthday present

Gentle suggestions for my perfect 34th birthday present

“A shoulder massage sure would be nice right now . . .”

“You know what would help you build strength? Giving me a long foot rub. You should work on that. For you. (You’re welcome.)”

“Are those idle hands? You know what they say about idle hands–”
“Yes, I will play with your hair, Deb.”

My fiancee, Ba.D., is treated to statements like the above anywhere between five and 200 times a week. He knows even more keenly than you my fondness for much communication. Yet somehow, despite my gentle reminders about his keeping pleasantly (for me) busy, he has decided I am difficult to buy presents for.

Yes, really.

He complained when I bought myself an iPad, because that meant he couldn’t get one for me. What other options were there?

To take the mystique out of the answer, I thought I’d lay it bare here. So my high school geometry teacher can see I’ve really internalized his mathematical lessons about proofs, I honor him by expressing it like so and with comprehension equal to that I displayed in 9th grade:

  1. One iPad = 6.3 massages
  2. 1 iPad = more busy time online
  3. 1 massage = BLISS
  4. 6.3 massages = BLISS*6.3
  5. 6.3 massages > 1 iPad

Say you don’t want to buy me an iPad’s worth of massages. Groovy. Look at #3 above and get me one massage. I won’t scoff. Given a choice between a one-hour massage and an iPad, I would still choose a massage.

In case you still need more clarity, here are a sampling of specific options:

  • A 30-minute massage (any variety–e.g., Swedish, French)
  • A 45-minute massage (any variety)
  • A 60-minute massage (any variety)
  • A 9-hour massage (any variety)
  • A block of 9-hour massages (any variety) (preferred)

To obtain one of these items, simply use Yelp and/or Google to search for any of the following:

  • Spa
  • Masseuse
  • Massage
  • LMT

Note, best results are obtained by looking for one of these in my region. But if that all seems like a lot of work or you are for some reason opposed to procuring only the best 34th birthday present ever, these are some reasonable (read: “distant second”) alternatives:

  • Kids books
  • YA paranormal books
  • Sterling silver earrings (bonus points for quirky &/or dangly)
  • A weekend with my siblings
  • A book deal, and a book to go with it
  • Un massagio

You could get any of these “reasonable alternatives,” but really, why go for a field goal when a touchdown’s right there?

I’ve given you the ball. Now run with it, if you please, straight to the nearest masseuse.

Note:
This was among posts accidentally deleted from this blog.
Reposted 7/27/15

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  1. July 27, 2015 at 8:01 pm

    Massages are wonderful, but I’m too much of an introvert (and too reserved) to go get them. It took me a year to use a spa gift card my hubs got me for Christmas. I finally used it but was so uncomfortable having a stranger touch me, I couldn’t really enjoy it. It was my one and only spa massage. Now, back rubs from my husband are a different story, but those are few and far between. I think he was hoping I’d love the spa so I’d quit asking him for the back rubs. 🙂

    • July 27, 2015 at 8:08 pm

      Hee. My siblings and I always did “two for two,” exchanging two minutes of massage for … “two” minutes (I’m the eldest, so time distorted for the two minutes I received) … so that I love massages even though I’m an introvert. Happily, Anthony likes keeping his hands busy, though he does like to outsource to a masseuse almost as often as I’m willing. 🙂

      • July 27, 2015 at 8:21 pm

        “I’m the oldest, so time distorted”—Ha!

  2. Deb
    July 27, 2015 at 8:28 pm

    Oh god, now I really want a massage…

  3. July 27, 2015 at 11:38 pm

    Best. Thing. Ever. Even if it hurts.

    • July 28, 2015 at 2:09 pm

      YES! I’d favor two hours of painful massage over two hours of work, for sure. The invigoration at the end, and all. 😉

      • July 28, 2015 at 3:07 pm

        Have you ever been rolfed? I did half a course before my therapist went batshit – long story – and have been longing to do it again. Excruciating, but the effects are extraordinary – and they last a long time too!

        • July 28, 2015 at 7:53 pm

          I haven’t! I remember seeing it advertised at the county fair once, but never did get around to trying. I might see about changing that soon. 🙂

  4. July 28, 2015 at 6:46 am

    In his defense we are really bad at guessing sizes.

    • July 28, 2015 at 2:09 pm

      Another perk of massages: one size fits all!

      • July 30, 2015 at 8:39 am

        You’d think, right? But my wife claims five minutes is too small and wants to exchange the gift for something else.

  5. July 28, 2015 at 1:34 pm

    Since this is an old and “accidentally deleted” post, I’m assuming that means the birthday in question has already come and gone. Didja get the massage?? Inquiring minds want to know…

    For my own next b-day, I’m planning a repeat of last year’s First Annual Virtual Birthday Party Thrown By Alice for Herself. You’ll be on the invite list! I’ll even send around a “what to get me list”! I’m already excited for this — and it’s not until October! [Alice grins at Deborah, then winks mysteriously.]

    • July 28, 2015 at 2:12 pm

      I can’t remember what I ended up getting … not from Anthony, at least! My sister and BIL called him after reading this post and got me a massage 3-pack from the spa he named. So this post defnitely worked, if not exactly as intended! (Bless Rache and Nick!)

      I’ll be looking forward to that invite! I’m an October gal, too, and it looks like good non-massage events will transpire, if coincidentally. 🙂

  6. July 28, 2015 at 6:40 pm

    I do so love your math!

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