Home > Family, Love, Nerd, Parenting > A letter to my son, my sunshine

A letter to my son, my sunshine

Dear Li’l D,

Your face is inches from my own as I peck this out with one finger. Your snores are sweet and steady, music of unparalleled beauty to my mama ears.

Today I picked you up early from preschool. You were excited to see me, and even more excited to learn we’d be stopping for ice cream shakes. You saw my smiles, which were real, but didn’t see the also-real tears that preceded them.

thank you, Li'l D, for making a mom of me

I am so excited to meet your little sister or brother sometime in the next couple of weeks. Remembering my awe meeting you, I can’t believe I’ll get the chance to feel such wonder a second time. How can that be right? Even once seemed too precious and rare a thing to be true.

I know it will be wonderful, but I’m scared, too. For four and a half years, you have been my sunshine. You have lit up every part of my life with your compassion, mischievousness, curiosity and forgiveness.

Having known the joy of your particular light, it’s hard to wrap my mind around the idea of having two sunshines. Your auntie Emily says two suns worked for Tatooine, a sentiment that makes me smile. I think it will make you smile someday, too.

Even so, I have grown accustomed to my one beautiful lifelight: you. I know I’ll be overjoyed when that second sun hits my sky. I’ll learn to live with that extra light and not be blinded by it.

But now, right now, I listen to you snore and hopeprayentreat that you know my heart is turned equally toward you even when my eyes and hands are turned toward my second sun. Your daddy says you will know how fiercely you are loved, no matter what. I do believe he’s right, even if I can’t feel the certainty yet.

You will always be my sunshine. Whether you and I are all giggles or all grumbles any given moment, my every moment is better for your light. My love is unconditional.

I hope I have shown you this well the last four years, so that you never doubt regardless of what the next four days or weeks or months bring.

I hope you will always know you are my sunshine, and that I could never lose sight of your brilliance, not even with another sun in the sky.

To the moon and back, millions of times over,
Mama

  1. March 18, 2014 at 11:19 pm

    Oh so beautiful! With love like this, I have no doubt your son will see it shining through every moment of his life. (Also, I love the Tatooine sentiment, )

    • March 19, 2014 at 9:04 am

      Thanks, Rara! I thought of that Tatooine comment in the midst of feeling overwhelmed and couldn’t help but feel better. I love getting to see things through others’ eyes. It makes it easier to see clearer through my own. :)

  2. March 19, 2014 at 4:41 am

    So very beautifully worded.

    • March 19, 2014 at 9:05 am

      Thank you! Better than I expected as I started my hunt-and-peck journey, and something I hope Li’l D will someday read and feel the love emanating from.

  3. March 19, 2014 at 5:51 am

    Wow! Very beautifully said!! I had forgotten all the worry that comes with the excitement of welcoming a second child. I remember being afraid that I couldn’t possibly love the ‘new’ one as much as the first and being totally amazed at how limitless love really is. Your whole family will go through a great big joyful and messy transition and everyone will be better for it. Good luck and enjoy the relative tranquility of the next few weeks!

    • March 19, 2014 at 9:08 am

      My mom (also Christine, as it happens!) did a wonderful job showing four kids how deeply they were loved, so I have tried holding that close to heart in moments of worry. Until yesterday, they were just that–moments! Yesterday was . . . hours. The good news is that it inspired me to savor these moments with Li’l D, AND gave me these beautiful insights to hold close to heart as I prepare for this enormous but wonderful transition. Thank you. ♥

  4. March 19, 2014 at 6:04 am

    So beautiful. This brought tears to my eyes.

    • March 19, 2014 at 9:09 am

      ♥ I spent much of yesterday with tears in my eyes, but felt so much better after writing this.

  5. Jennay
    March 19, 2014 at 6:28 am

    Ooooph. Lil’ Mama. I was boohooing by the end of this. You are a beautiful mother. A beautiful soul. A beautiful being.

  6. March 19, 2014 at 6:56 am

    LOVE.

  7. March 19, 2014 at 7:10 am

    Aw I love this. I too, love the Star Wars reference. I totally understand how you feel. Mine were only 18 months apart but for that 18 months, it was just him and I. It pained me a little bit when I thought about taking the time away from him… the unknowns are always scary. It worked out in more ways than I could ever imagine.

    He’ll also be a great helper for the new little one. It’s going to be amazing. You guys are blessed. <3

    • March 19, 2014 at 1:19 pm

      We’ve talked some about the ways he’ll help out. He showed surprising enthusiasm for some things I tossed out thinking he’d immediately say “no way.” I’m looking forward to seeing if enthusiasm in idea translates to enthusiasm in action, in those areas, but most of all, to seeing him as a big brother. I know there will be some rough times, but I also know there will be some beautiful ones. I mean, it took me a few months to warm up to my just-younger sister, but those few months of travails have been followed by decades of being best friends. I’m excited to see how those bonds grow between my kiddos, even if I wish–a little!–I could crystal ball it instead of waiting to enjoy seeing the specifics play out. I am heartened by your lovely comment. Thank you. ♥

      • March 19, 2014 at 4:09 pm

        Oh I wish I had the crystal ball, too! I can’t wait to read the posts about how close they become. <3

  8. March 19, 2014 at 7:14 am

    My daughter was 18 months old when my son was born so I had less time to think about this, but don’t worry – you think it’s impossible to love more than you do already and then boom, the love doubles. Your post made me weepy. Absolutely beautiful. Make sure D reads this some day. xx

    • March 19, 2014 at 1:20 pm

      I hope he will! I handwrote him a letter earlier in the day yesterday, but as I laid there watching him sleep, I felt like there was still more to say. Saying it took away a lot of the ache and left much more room for excitement . . . and that even before reading the supportive, loving thoughts here! I feel so, so fortunate. Thank you!

  9. March 19, 2014 at 7:32 am

    Deborah, I felt exactly as you do when I was about to have my second. I assure you the Lil D will most of the time be a big help to his little brother or sister, but will all of the time be the sweet little love of your life that he always has been. Your love for your children will have no bounds. Good luck to you in these coming weeks. I’ve certainly been thinking about you! (Sherri–I sent you an email a while back–I have a new blog now.) :) Big hugs to you!

  10. March 19, 2014 at 7:55 am

    Awwww…. He’s gonna be a good big brother!

  11. March 19, 2014 at 10:04 am

    I remember having these feelings before my second child was born. I was worried my first would feel neglected or suffer from my need to attend to the baby. But the worry was for naught. A family of three became a family of four pretty seamlessly, and I had more than enough love to go around. Congratulations!!

  12. March 19, 2014 at 1:02 pm

    I have heard these words from my own son recently, I have assured him his bright sun he will know. You are fierce in your love, that every child were so loved, what a world we would have, what children we would have. As deeply as you love, so will he. As brilliantly as you protect, so will he. Have no fear, you world will simply be brighter, smiles more incandescent, snores a little more musical.

  13. March 19, 2014 at 2:08 pm

    Oh, I love this so much. That photo . . . !

    It makes me want to have my babies all over again.

  14. March 19, 2014 at 5:20 pm

    Simply squeezing you through cyberspace. Love, love, love! XOXO

  15. March 19, 2014 at 5:55 pm

    He will do well.you’ve prepared him. You will do fine, too. And I along with everyone else can’t wait to learn about the sister or brother. (I am rooting for a little sister, since I had such a wonderful experience nice with my older brother. But I’ll be good with a little brother, too ;)

  16. March 19, 2014 at 6:54 pm

    Love, love, love.

  17. March 21, 2014 at 12:58 pm

    This is so beautiful. (I feel like I write that every time I comment!) You perfectly captured the anticipation and anxiety of waiting for a second child to enter your life. I’m sure your son knows how much he is loved!

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