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Just keep going

“You haven’t thought of harming yourself?” the nurse asked with furrowed brow as she reviewed my questionnaire.

“No,” I said, smiling. “I’m depressed now, but I’m not at risk. I understand what this is and why it is, so I don’t put much stock in it.”

“I wish it were like that with me,” she replied.

“It took me lots of time.”

There have been many days during this pregnancy that I have wanted to hide in darkness and emerge only for birth.

I get up because I know the rent won’t pay itself. Insurance most assuredly will not pay for itself. My son won’t be able to get himself ready for and driven to preschool. Food won’t cook itself, nor dishes wash themselves, nor the dog walk himself.

wide angle parenting

I used to loathe obligations. I wanted freedom to do what I wanted, when I wanted, with no strings attached. Ever.

The problem with living no strings attached is disconnection–from life, from love, from the goodness that shines from the hearts of many.

When I feel depression creeping over me these days, I take that as a sign I absolutely must not withdraw. Once withdrawn, a slight removal becomes a free fall of disconnection so much harder to break. Instead I embrace the things that bind me to this world, knowing these very things will be the threads that eventually lead me back to the light.

In the meantime, I keep going knowing that light will return. It always does. For now, from the darkness, I have to do this one thing, which only looks like many smaller things:

Keep going.

This here? I'm doing it.

Even when it doesn’t feel like it, that’s what keeping going is.

  1. December 11, 2013 at 7:21 pm | #1

    I’m here, anytime you need me. 2 ears, no waiting…

  2. Jane
    December 11, 2013 at 7:22 pm | #3

    Second! You have my number & all my love.

    • December 12, 2013 at 5:42 am | #4

      Thank you. It makes me smile even to think of dialing that number, though it might be some days before I’m able to do so. ♥

  3. December 11, 2013 at 7:46 pm | #5

    You are doing just what you need to do. I’ll add my ears and shoulders to the line forming to help you.

  4. December 11, 2013 at 9:36 pm | #7

    Hugs.

  5. December 11, 2013 at 9:44 pm | #9

    thinking of you, friend.

  6. December 12, 2013 at 1:48 am | #11

    You are doing a great job with your plan to keep going. You have a lot of support around you, whenever you need it. Hang in there.

  7. December 12, 2013 at 2:08 am | #13

    Add me to the list of free ears, broad shoulders and of course huge hugs from a distance. You are much loved.

    • December 15, 2013 at 7:21 pm | #14

      Thank you so much, my friend. I didn’t get a chance to ring you this weekend, but I hope to do so in the next day or two. Thinking of you with tons of love.

  8. December 12, 2013 at 4:19 am | #15

    Oh boy do I understand this one today. I’m having a hard time resisting the urge to just let go.

    • December 15, 2013 at 7:24 pm | #16

      It can seem so tantalizing, but then . . . most the things that tantalize in this world aren’t half as rewarding as it seems they would be. Thinking about it like this also helps make keeping on going seem like the better choice. Wishing you fortitude and light.

  9. December 12, 2013 at 5:52 am | #17

    “In the meantime, I keep going knowing that light will return”- This, exactly. <3

    • December 28, 2013 at 7:43 am | #18

      It’s funny how quickly light seeps in through the cracks. The last couple of weeks, each day has brought a little more light. Not much more energy, sadly, but definitely light! It’s enough. ♥

  10. December 12, 2013 at 8:17 am | #19

    Hormones can play tricks with your brain. When those blues come around just keep telling yourself “that’s not me, that’s not the way I think about life”. I had postpartum depression after my 3rd child, but loving my family got me through it just like you are doing. I became depressed again when my thyroid died and I went through early menopause, but I fought through it with the help of a counselor because I loved my family. I had to do a lot of mental and physical lifestyle changes to regain my health, so I kept telling myself “I’m not going to let hormones and brain chemistry determine who I am, I’m going to chose to love in spite of how I feel.” I can tell that you will do the same thing because you are a strong and loving person.

    • December 28, 2013 at 7:45 am | #20

      It took me a few weeks to say so, but I was–and am–so thankful for this comment!

      When those blues come around just keep telling yourself “that’s not me, that’s not the way I think about life”.

      This is what I was trying to articulate to the nurse: that I know it’s not me, that it’s a short-lived thing I must brace myself to endure, knowing that I am more enduring than the impacts of these hormonal shifts.

      Thank you for sharing your experiences and wisdom. I have returned to these words often the past couple of weeks.

  11. December 12, 2013 at 8:47 am | #21

    Just wanted to chime in that I’m sending positive thoughts your way and love your desire to push forward. I don’t fully understand depression (I doubt anyone does), but a post by another blogger wrote about her experience (with drawings), and it allowed me to be more understanding. Check it out if you have a chance: http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html

  12. December 12, 2013 at 9:50 am | #22

    Suck it, Depression, because Deb says so. Ballsy, my friend, ballsy, you are.

  13. December 12, 2013 at 12:06 pm | #23

    Great comments from everyone, especially csroth3. Thankyou for choosing to be vulnerable with us all, & sharing your struggle. It sounds like a lot of us are hearing you, & are offering supportive thoughts. Ultimately though, only you can reach yourself toward the light, & you clearly have the wisdom to know where it is… You’ll make it. Just take those daily steps, baby steps; eat as well as you can, do some exercise (get a buddy), & talk to a professional, all of which you’re doing. Best of luck watching it pass by soon, gabrielle

  14. December 12, 2013 at 8:23 pm | #24

    Yes, it always does. <3

  15. December 14, 2013 at 7:14 am | #25

    Be strong … keep going … and stay connected.

  16. December 14, 2013 at 7:42 am | #26

    “Second star to the right, and straight on till morning”
    Sometimes the key to victory is to simply survive.

  17. December 16, 2013 at 11:23 am | #27

    I know you can do it. I know you have so many amazing threads of love keeping you bound to the light. I’m sorry you have to hold onto them in the dark but I know soon enough you’ll be out there in the light again. xo

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