FTIAT: Set it free
Dawn (Enlightenment Ain’t for Sissies) is most familiar to me for the thought-provoking, inspiring posters she creates for her Facebook page. Her rarer blog writings reflect equal care, and an honesty so unflinching it feels both nerve-wracking and empowering. I am grateful for the openness of her writing, which creates the perfect setting for my open reflection and assessment of my own life, as it exists now . . . and as I might strive for it to be in the years to come.
Recommended post: When does life begin?
Set it free
There is an old adage that if you love something set it free and if it loves you, it will return, but if it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with. As I write this, I am that which is being set free. You see, two months ago, I asked my husband for a divorce.
My husband is a good man. He is kind. He is generous. He is a wonderful father. He is good husband. I am the stay-at-home mom of a bright, independent kindergartner. I want for nothing. We don’t fight. We communicate. So why do I want a divorce? I ask myself that every day and only come up with one answer.
I want a divorce because I don’t love my husband the way that he loves me and our sexual chemistry has disappeared. That simply isn’t fair to either of us. He loves me so big and so much it hurts me that I am unable to give that back to him. He deserves to find someone who will love him as much as he loves me. The final kick to him here is that he has helped me realize that I deserve to love someone that way too. I want to feel the electric joy of someone’s touch when we are way too old to care. That may seem selfish, but it is honest.
We’ve tried counseling. For those who may be thinking that this is all my fault – the counselor agreed with you. We’ve tried every permutation we can think of to get us back on track, and this is where we’ve ended up. This was not a rash decision, it was years in the making, and it is still not made.
I am on a precipice of my life. I could continue as it is, tepid and safe, living with my best friend. No sex life, risk cheating and most likely end up resenting the fact that I kept myself from my dream of a life with possibility. Or, I leave. Terrified. Alone. A single mom. Away from my best friend and the father of my child,finally having to be a grown up, doing everything on my own, realizing dreams I didn’t even know I had. Learning for the first time in my life how to be me. Succeeding or failing, but knowing that those successes and failures are mine.
I don’t have the answers yet, and for this I am thankful. I am thankful for my husband who is giving me the time and the room to make this very difficult decision. The man who is risking it all to give me my wings. The man who will move heaven and Earth to give me room to fly. The man who will support me no matter which choice I make. The man who could be making this ugly and full of hate but instead is making it about love and respect. I am thankful for him.
© Dawn Biggs 16 April 2012