Donnell (A Wordsmith’s Brainworks) stumbled upon my blog a few days before I shaved my head for St. Baldrick’s pediatric cancer charity in March. Her comment on one of my posts led me to her blog, where I learned that she’s a writer, a poet and one heckuva woman and mother. Although her posts about her son’s battle with cancer are sometimes hard to read, they also fill me with hope that comes from seeing life not in terms of its inevitable end result but in the goodness of the loving actions we take before then.
Recommended post: Heroes
A Monday born October son,
I felt your unspoiled, neonate skin.
We were three and all complete,
and for it I was thankful.
I, protective as a lioness
sheltering her cherished cub,
watched you grow and thrive;
you flourished well.
And for that I was thankful.
Autumn came, and like the sun
descending at the end of day,
your hardiness and strength
dipped below that distant threshold.
We were assured it would ascend,
and for it I was thankful.
You were well with the new year,
if only for a brief interval that
seduced us with its false promise
of health, and we were all too thankful.
The Moirai spun their fated threads,
we merely did what mortals can,
and suffered their predestination.
A prognosis grim but the culprit found
and that we knew was encouraging
and a thing for which to be thankful.
The path is long and obstructed by
entanglements and uncertainty.
We are wearied but do not go alone,
the masses follow us into the night,
and for that I am thankful.
Progress is slow but obvious;
you’re more well now than weeks ago.
The scales do not hang in our favor, but
still you smile and press your lips.
Your will can match a hundred men,
and for this I am thankful.
Dawn (Enlightenment Ain’t for Sissies) is most familiar to me for the thought-provoking, inspiring posters she creates for her Facebook page. Her rarer blog writings reflect equal care, and an honesty so unflinching it feels both nerve-wracking and empowering. I am grateful for the openness of her writing, which creates the perfect setting for my open reflection and assessment of my own life, as it exists now . . . and as I might strive for it to be in the years to come.
Recommended post: When does life begin?
Set it free
There is an old adage that if you love something set it free and if it loves you, it will return, but if it doesn’t, it was never yours to begin with. As I write this, I am that which is being set free. You see, two months ago, I asked my husband for a divorce.
My husband is a good man. He is kind. He is generous. He is a wonderful father. He is good husband. I am the stay-at-home mom of a bright, independent kindergartner. I want for nothing. We don’t fight. We communicate. So why do I want a divorce? I ask myself that every day and only come up with one answer.
I want a divorce because I don’t love my husband the way that he loves me and our sexual chemistry has disappeared. That simply isn’t fair to either of us. He loves me so big and so much it hurts me that I am unable to give that back to him. He deserves to find someone who will love him as much as he loves me. The final kick to him here is that he has helped me realize that I deserve to love someone that way too. I want to feel the electric joy of someone’s touch when we are way too old to care. That may seem selfish, but it is honest.
We’ve tried counseling. For those who may be thinking that this is all my fault – the counselor agreed with you. We’ve tried every permutation we can think of to get us back on track, and this is where we’ve ended up. This was not a rash decision, it was years in the making, and it is still not made.
I am on a precipice of my life. I could continue as it is, tepid and safe, living with my best friend. No sex life, risk cheating and most likely end up resenting the fact that I kept myself from my dream of a life with possibility. Or, I leave. Terrified. Alone. A single mom. Away from my best friend and the father of my child,finally having to be a grown up, doing everything on my own, realizing dreams I didn’t even know I had. Learning for the first time in my life how to be me. Succeeding or failing, but knowing that those successes and failures are mine.
I don’t have the answers yet, and for this I am thankful. I am thankful for my husband who is giving me the time and the room to make this very difficult decision. The man who is risking it all to give me my wings. The man who will move heaven and Earth to give me room to fly. The man who will support me no matter which choice I make. The man who could be making this ugly and full of hate but instead is making it about love and respect. I am thankful for him.
© Dawn Biggs 16 April 2012
Writing projects occupy much of my brain these days. That’s hardly surprising, what with:
- Three already written YA novels awaiting edits;
- One non-fiction work half-written; and
- Another non-fiction work just begun.
And that’s only my current projects! I’m happy to be beta reading for a few dear writer friends right now. As for my projects already completed? Three will be half off on Smashwords, which offers ebooks in roughly a dozen formats, 7/1/12-7/15/12.
If you’re interested in checking any of these books out while they’re half off, click the title(s) below, add the book(s) to your cart, and enter the discount code SSW50. Here are the links:
- The Monster’s Daughter ($2 on sale)
- One Time, One Thing: Letters from Japan ($1 on sale)
- A Season in Korea: Letters from South Korea ($1 on sale)